For Victoria . . . Such an inspiration

This is Victoria Martinsen. You can read about her at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/victoriamartinsen

She joined forces with Heaven yesterday, Sunday November 1st. I've been following her struggles, and that of her family, since her diagnosis January, 2007. Her mother so eloquently expressed her day-to-day battle, victories, sorrows and joy almost daily for the past 2+ years. Victoria had just turned 4 years old when it was discovered that she had cancer. She fought like a true soldier . . . and put many to shame with her bravery.

I followed her mom, Elizabeth, with each journal entry. I cried, I laughed and I scratched my head in wonder at the lengths LOVE takes us . . . the strength of LOVE to move us through diagnoses that tells us what we cannot bear to hear. How her family fought daily for her life, never giving in to the "impossible", but always standing in HOPE for a better day.

When I ponder Victoria's short life and what she accomplished in so few years, I realize how little I've accomplished in 50! The Martinsen family learned about living in the Moment. They understand, better than I may ever, what it means to enjoy NOW. Though disaster loomed near in a mocking sort of way, they never let it's intrusion stand in the way of a good sense of humor and seizing the opportunity to laugh at everyday blunders. Bravery. Courage. Honor.

Elizabeth shared every moment with us ~ The Caringbridge Subscribers ~ making herself vulnerable and revealing her humanity. She is a strong believer in miracles . . . in Jesus' capability to heal her daughter . . . and yet, she was a mom whose breath would be knocked out of her with every report of another setback. Not supermom, but close. Well, to me she was and is supermom. She's as close to a supermom as I'll ever see. And having experienced just a small taste of this evil disease and it's ravages upon a family, I am in awe at the GRACE the Martinsen family carried in this fiery trial.

Victoria has 2 brothers, Alexander and Niklas. Alexander is 8 and Nicklas, I believe, is 2. Yes, Elizabeth and Nils, her dad, gave birth to a precious baby boy during his horrible fight. And, may I add, sicknesses in siblings is not put on HOLD just because one suffers with a life-threatening disease. Victoria's parents made always certain her brothers' needs were well attended to. In all my life, I've never witnessed such a faithful group of supporters.

I'm rambling. I'm also questioning. Her name is Victoria. Her name means 'Victory'. We can say that she ultimately won because she's with Jesus. I'll bet her parents wish she were with them, though. I'll bet her parents would rather have seen another VICTORY. I would have. I'll bet her parents and her brothers and her extended family would have seen healing as the ultimate victory . . . as I project my feelings and how I'm sure I would feel.

Again, I'm rambling. I just needed to say something about her. About this brave little girl and her brave family. About a fight that was fought with the gloves of a professional boxer. With a fight that was fought in the vein of a Roller Derby match, kicking & screaming . . . refusing to give up and simply lie down and take it. I know one thing for sure, the enemy of our souls did not win. And I also know that he went away with more than a few scratches!

In a final act of LOVE, the Martinsen's donated Victoria's body to Duke in hopes of finding a cure for this evil. Please pray for this family. Oh . . . there's a great story about her at: http://www.wbtv.com/global/story.asp?s=11427269

Goodnight . . .

Life Outside The Box . . . Why did the chicken cross the road?

Erin to Mom: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Mom to Erin: "I don't know, why?" Erin to Mom, "I asked YOU!" Mom to Erin, "I know, Erin, but this is a joke and you are supposed to tell ME why the chicken crossed the road." Erin to Mom, "I have no idea!"

This is one of the numerous, interesting and funny conversations Erin and I have on our many miles riding in the car together. Most of these deep conversations come from seemingly out of nowhere, all of them shake me from my deep thoughts ~ worried thoughts ~ regarding the economy, work issues, and life issues in general, that keep my mind way too busy. So, when God wants to slow me down and bring me back to earth, He pokes Erin and says, "Hey, ask her why the chicken crosses the road or ask her how babies come out when they are in their mommies tummies, etc. I'm always grounded with her take on things.

Erin was born September 17, 1989. She will be 20 years old tomorrow. She was clinically diagnosed at age 16 with Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome. Only 1 in 300,000 children are born with this syndrome. Erin has strong autistic tendencies attached to her syndrome, which provokes relentless questions, without the benefit of true conversation . . . without the benefit of and satisfaction of having the question fully answered . . . at least to please Erin. So she will ask the same question over and over. Let me tell ya, that can wear you down ;-p I've come to realize, however, the Lord is simply saying to me, through all of this repetitiveness to SNAP OUT OF IT!

Erin's one of the smartest people that I know. Though Erin's IQ score hoovers around 45, she can, nonetheless, work a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, never looking at the picture and not fully understanding what will emerge after the puzzle is completed. Sometimes the puzzle is upside down and she will examine it quizzically and ask, "What's that?" There have been a couple of times that Erin has worked the puzzle FACE DOWN. And I, her mother, struggle with a preschool grid puzzle, unless both puzzle board and puzzle piece are numbered, that is. I'm not a total idiot, although Erin would argue that rationalization ;-p

Erin graduated from high school in June. She has no place to go, no place to work, but she really wants to go to Appalachian State, or more recently, East Kentucky University (she has friends/cousins going to both). She does not understand why younger family members and friends are allowed to "move-on" while she's stuck at home with her parents. However, she's still convinced that she will be a doctor; not a nurse, mind you, because nurses are not the boss . . . doctors are the boss. Erin would know, she's an expert patient. A few years ago, I took Erin to see my gynecologist. As Dr. K and I talked about some problems Erin was experiencing, Erin, uninterested in answering his questions and bored with the whole scenario, looked at me, very matter-of-factly and clearly spoke up asking, "Is this where you come and take your clothes off?" I'm quite certain Dr. K had not been subject to that type of questioning before. These are the times in my life that I MUST need humbling. However, I might add, I was quick in my response to such embarrassing question. I replied, "Yes, and this is where Aunt Niece comes and takes her clothes off, as well." I refused to be the only naked image the poor doctor could conjure.

Erin is our gift. Erin is our centering. Erin is our pumice stone. I, by nature, am not a patient woman. Not at all. When people call me patient, I laugh to myself because I know the Source of my patience. Romans 5:3-5 says, "...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." I'm on my way to becoming a woman of character . . . from simply just being a CHARACTER!

Erin has taught me that fearing tomorrow is stupid. No, I'm southern, so will word it this way, "Fearing tomorrow is stoooopid." She has no concept that anything but GOOD is coming her way. She never fears the opinions of others; she puts the compassion for others above her own desires (most times). And as long as she gets John's Country Kitchen fried chicken on Fridays with her dad, things are pretty much perfect in her life.

Thank you, God, for Erin . . . and happy birthday my beautiful, intelligent, sweet and caring little woman. God's going to show up for you in awesome ways, my love!

Your Mother and Proud of it!

Living outside the box

For far too many years, I have lived my life one step ahead of what others' expectations of me were. Whether it be pleasing my mom, keeping peace with my husband or those illusive attempts to live just beyond what I felt my children needed in a mother. The most difficult expectation to try to accomplish was how to be a good-girl-woman for God.

Two years ago, August 2007 to be exact, I lost my most prized womanly possessions to invasive carcinoma of the breasts. My breasts were removed. August 22, 2007. I miss them. Yes, at least I'm alive. Yes, they're only breasts and I wasn't using them anymore ~ at least where feeding children were concerned . . .but they were MINE! They were taken in an amputation.

I chose, by the grace of God, not to wallow in self-pity and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of that experience. It was a choice, it wasn't something that just came naturally to me as one of those "naturally" gracious women are able to experience. I fought. I fought hard with God. What will my husband, Mike, think of me. Will he still be attracted to me? Will he be grossed out at the sight of a scar where I once had pretty nice nipples? And WHAT ABOUT THE NIPPLES? They're such a huge part of the libido. They're always there to remind me that my children were fed and nurtured by them. Losing the breasts . . . that was difficult. But no one prepared me for the chemo to follow. I had seen other women who had lost their hair. But I had not seen ALL of it disappear as I was able to witness on myself. The eyebrows and lashes were the worst part. They frame the face so nicely. Hey, was I losing myself? Was I having a whole new ME arise out of the dust?

Those expectations I mentioned earlier, became not-so-important. I still loved my mother, husband and children, don't get me wrong, but I began to realize their expectation of me as a daughter, wife and mother didn't hold nearly the significance that it had at one time. And . . . I discovered that I am dearly loved by Jesus!! I found a new understanding of "perfect Love". I could be mad at Him and He always just listened. He never left me. He was always there to help me back up, wipe me off and set me on my way . . . until it was time to cry again, argue again and take Him by the hand, AGAIN, and be, once more, on my way.

Out of the ash heap came a woman I didn't recognize. Strength ruled my heart/life like never before. This is September 15, 2009. I still have difficult days when I can't fine a bra to fit just right and the implants that are now my "breasts" are not quite rounded and won't comfortably carry me through many of my days . . . but these days are full of a KNOWING that I cannot control my ins-and-outs and it's all OKAY. I now lean upon someone who can. My hair has grown back and now I keep it short. I'm still debating on a tattoo. I keep feeling that there's a message that the world needs to see and remember - written out loud and bold, just like me!