Living outside the box

For far too many years, I have lived my life one step ahead of what others' expectations of me were. Whether it be pleasing my mom, keeping peace with my husband or those illusive attempts to live just beyond what I felt my children needed in a mother. The most difficult expectation to try to accomplish was how to be a good-girl-woman for God.

Two years ago, August 2007 to be exact, I lost my most prized womanly possessions to invasive carcinoma of the breasts. My breasts were removed. August 22, 2007. I miss them. Yes, at least I'm alive. Yes, they're only breasts and I wasn't using them anymore ~ at least where feeding children were concerned . . .but they were MINE! They were taken in an amputation.

I chose, by the grace of God, not to wallow in self-pity and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of that experience. It was a choice, it wasn't something that just came naturally to me as one of those "naturally" gracious women are able to experience. I fought. I fought hard with God. What will my husband, Mike, think of me. Will he still be attracted to me? Will he be grossed out at the sight of a scar where I once had pretty nice nipples? And WHAT ABOUT THE NIPPLES? They're such a huge part of the libido. They're always there to remind me that my children were fed and nurtured by them. Losing the breasts . . . that was difficult. But no one prepared me for the chemo to follow. I had seen other women who had lost their hair. But I had not seen ALL of it disappear as I was able to witness on myself. The eyebrows and lashes were the worst part. They frame the face so nicely. Hey, was I losing myself? Was I having a whole new ME arise out of the dust?

Those expectations I mentioned earlier, became not-so-important. I still loved my mother, husband and children, don't get me wrong, but I began to realize their expectation of me as a daughter, wife and mother didn't hold nearly the significance that it had at one time. And . . . I discovered that I am dearly loved by Jesus!! I found a new understanding of "perfect Love". I could be mad at Him and He always just listened. He never left me. He was always there to help me back up, wipe me off and set me on my way . . . until it was time to cry again, argue again and take Him by the hand, AGAIN, and be, once more, on my way.

Out of the ash heap came a woman I didn't recognize. Strength ruled my heart/life like never before. This is September 15, 2009. I still have difficult days when I can't fine a bra to fit just right and the implants that are now my "breasts" are not quite rounded and won't comfortably carry me through many of my days . . . but these days are full of a KNOWING that I cannot control my ins-and-outs and it's all OKAY. I now lean upon someone who can. My hair has grown back and now I keep it short. I'm still debating on a tattoo. I keep feeling that there's a message that the world needs to see and remember - written out loud and bold, just like me!